Who am I?

I don’t know but…

I live in Athens, Greece and I am a PhD Student at the University of Athens on Program Analysis. My major was Computer Science. This blog is the result of my need to express myself and share my experiences with people who are interested in mental health. I am a diagnosed bipolar (BP2) with borderline personality disorder (BPD), so I belong to this special group of people called “borderpolars”. The diagnosis is very tricky as the two disorders have overlapping symptoms. I don’t think mental illnesses define us but they greatly affects how we act and characterizes our actions, so it’s important to raise awareness about them.

After years of struggle I think I am coping pretty well with my bipolar disorder as antidepressants and stabilizers have worked really well on me. I have to admit though that a personality disorder is a whole different beast for anyone to fight.

Why Start a Blog?

At the age of 31, I realize that the driving force in my life is communication and expression. Sharing my stories is one way to achieve better understanding of myself and other people.

The lack of communication and understanding -mostly on my end- is what caused me to lose some of the most important people in my life in the past ten years. In my last relationship which ended at the start of 2020, I managed to ruin something really special and harm an equally troubled person who deserved so much more in the process. I now feel the urgency to avoid past mistakes. Sharing my stories is one of the ways that will get me there, because let’s admit it, guilt and self-blame are hard to overcome by yourself. Hopefully this process will benefit more people like me or people around us who can be heavily traumatized while being by our side.

My Interests

As a child I never expected to become a person that is passionate about nothing but people. By that I mean that I have no definition of myself and my needs when not being around other people, either friends, colleagues or a romantic partner. I can only sustain a temporary interest in things. Long-term goals and dreams are beyond the scope of my mind. This is something I am trying to improve by reigniting my old interests while abandoning the ones I had while in search of superficial social approval.

In 2013 I purchased a Nikon D5200 DSLR to begin my journey with photography. That journey got postponed pretty soon. Up until May 2020 I had never used any other mode than “auto” on my camera. I can finally say that my journey as an amateur photographer has started and step by step I am getting better at it, allowing me to do even more exciting things.

At the same time the huge improvement in smartphone photography and the potential for shooting the night sky with just a smartphone has ignited my interest in astrophotography and astronomy.

My greatest passion at the moment though is psychology and psychiatry. A series of bad decisions along with being undiagnosed and consequently untreated for my mental illness lead to a path where I completely lost interest in living and I lost the most important person in my life. Something has to change for me to become a much healthier and stabler individual and never go through this spiral again.

The Present

So this is the story of where I am now. And at times I feel this might as well be my last chance to achieve stability and regain control of my life. I’m not going to waste it.

Published by anantoni

I am a PhD student at the University of Athens, amateur photographer, interested in psychiatry and tinkering stuff, especially smartphones. My PhD is on Program Analysis and is one of the greatest choices I have made in my life as research is one of my great passions – on a good day. In 2020 I was diagnosed as a bipolar (BP2) with borderline personality disorder. This diagnosis has changed the way I look at myself and my past actions. It has allowed me to understand why I have changed so much over the years and get closer to my old self. My purpose is to try to raise awareness as much as possible regarding mental illnesses and this blog is hopefully just the beginning.

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